Things I Make Fun of You For Doing (or, “Manners at the Strip Club 101”):


  • Before you come to the strip club, GrubbyHandsStinkyTeeth, and SwampyBalls, it’s appropriate to take a shower, wash your hands, brush your teeth, and change out of your clothes if you work a physical job or sweat a bit at work. The club is open until FOUR A.M. — I promise you’ll make it in time, even if you change your clothes after work. I don’t want your grimy fingers all over me, okay?
  • If you’re at the tip rail, CheapSkate, you should be tipping each girl. If you’re with a group, no less than half of your group should be tipping each girl. If you don’t want to tip a particular girl, move away from the stage and make room for those that do. Your ass is taking up space at my stage, so either pay or get out of the way.
  • I understand: you want pussy, Pervy McPerverstein. I understand if you ask me ONCE to go to your hotel room, house, dinner, car, suck your dick, fuck you, touch your dick, let you touch my pussy, or some other thing that I’m not willing to do. But seriously. The answer is no. “No” was all-encompassing of those things. The minute you deposit enough money into my bank account that I can retire for the rest of my life very comfortably, I’ll suck your dick. Until then, I just make fun of your repeated, desperate attempts to get me to do the same damn thing. You think you’re the only one that’s asked tonight? Seriously? You think that if you ask me in just the right way, I’ll say yes? Not gonna happen. The more you ask, the more we laugh later.
  • Appropriate attire for strip clubs without a dress code: slacks (yes, uh-huh, dig out those khakis, baby, just like that). I didn’t say you could wear jeans — that shit hurts my skin. I don’t even want to talk to you because of your jeans. I didn’t say you could wear sweatpants (Sweatpants BonerMan), workout shorts, sleepwear, and so on. I get it. You want more sensation for your buck. I promise that dress pants are a nice compromise — not as restricting and thick as jeans, and not as awkward as your fucking swimming trunks. You’re not at the fucking pool. And you should have showered after going to the lake, anyway (see #1).
  • If you don’t want a dance, say “No, I don’t want a dance, thank you,” like a grown-ass adult. Don’t ask me to come back later, don’t avoid the question, and don’t pussy out on looking around like you can’t hear me. You fucking heard me. Yeah, you, the one that forgot to bring his invisibility cape to the club tonight. I get it. I’m not your type or you’re too fucking broke to be putting your sweaty palms all over my goddamn chairs, but just say it. Say no. Say it fucking promptly. And remember to say thank you. A nice tip is appreciated for my time, if I’ve wasted it. I’m working here, not just bar-slutting it up for fun.
  • Hey, Grabby McGrabberstein, keep your hands to yourself. Didn’t your mother teach you any fucking manners? Did I say you could touch me? Nope. I’m just not that turned on by your Cheeto-powder covered fingers suddenly grabbing my ass while I’m staring at the motherfucking fishtank, okay? I’m fucking busy over here, and if you wanted to smack my juicy ass, a cash sum and a request for a dance is a nice bit of foreplay, thanks.
  • What’s wrong with your fucking face? Why are you fucking making those faces at me while I’m on stage? You know the one where you stick your tongue out at me? Sometimes accompanied by a first and middle finger spread in a “V” shape? Yeah, you, with the fucked up face. That’s not hot. Ditto for grinding your teeth at me (creepy!), literal drooling (What am I? Fucking Pavlov with a pack of dogs now?), falling asleep/passing out at the stage (that line on your forehead and confused look is SO HOT, I’m getting off right now), rapid blinking eyes (there’s no fucking sun in here, guys), and the gaping food-hole in your face (I can see your fucking filling. Pick up your jaw. Yeah, I’m hot. I know. People pay me for it).

I’m sure there will be sequels to this. For now, try not to be ThatFuckingGuy that makes us all groan or laugh when you walk in.


Sometimes, people don’t suck.

Person:Omg that guy just needs to come out of the clo-
Me:No shut up
Person:No they need to set a good example by-
Me:Shhh just be quiet
Person:But it's so obvious that they-
Me:Sit down, never speak
An Open Letter to People Who Are Now Engaging In BDSM-relationships and Impact Play Because They Read the “50 Shades” series.


No, stop, seriously, no, stop stop stop.

That series is not a good model for a healthy, consensual, supportive BDSM/impact play relationship.

That series disregards the feelings of Ana. That series disregards safe words. It is a very problematic series and not one to be learned from.

Look, BDSM and impact play can bring out a lot of emotions in people. Some of them are not good feelings. People can feel threatened, exhausted, unsupported, hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, defensive, disgusted, triggered, unloved, unworthy, “evil,” etc.

BDSM is not a toy. Impact Play is not a toy. These are actual things that are actual identities and you need a good, supported, experienced person explaining them to you before you decide to try them out (if you want to do it right, that is).

This silly book does not and will not supply this for you.

Look, I can’t tell you what to do, but safe words are important, and do not trust anything that tells you otherwise. Safe words are called safe words because they are safe. It doesn’t matter what they are. They can range from the forward, easy-to-understand phrases of “red,” “stop,” “no,” to the more complicated and personal phrases that some people hold special connection to, whether it be emotional or intellectual.

Safe words can stop people from being triggered. Triggering someone is an awful experience, and being triggered is an even worse experience, and sometimes people do not come out intact from them. A safe word is important in a relationship because you can grow together as partners. What turns you on? What turns your partner(s) on? What turns them off? What scares them? What makes them feel good? What makes them uncomfortable? What is good and healthy and enjoyable for all involved?

The “50 Shades” series is a terrible, terrible model for a healthy, happy, loving relationship, BDSM or not.

Sex-positivity is important. Please, please, please respect that. 

Sometimes what we are told feels good and what is right is not and never will be the case. You are allowed to experiment. You are allowed to be fluid. But you need to know what you are doing. You need to know how to do it right. Sometimes what you see is a mockery of the truth, and that is not okay.

Here are some places to start:

Here is an essay on the importance of safe words.

Always remember that when trying out something new, you need to know about it first. Sex and sexuality and sexual identity is no different.



This is really powerful.

Oh my god, this is such a perfect way to make a statement.



We don’t mean to offend you by calling you racist.”

Two slam poets with Brave New Voices deliver this fearless indictment of hipster cultural appropriation and all its collateral damage. 


Lol seriously though why does this not have more notes?! I can’t even pick my favorite part. It’s amazing, and flawless, and just… yes.

“Acting like you’re down because you say “fuck the system,” but in the same breathe are quick to gentrify the hell out of my hood.”

“Is that racist? Yes, that is. And we don’t mean to offend you by calling you racist; we know that according to you, we’re all part of the universe. But you have a tendency to treat animals better than humans.”

“We don’t need to hear your feelings about our issues. “To be fair, as a white person—-” “Nononono, shut the FUCK up.””


Better stock up on lube.

I know in your mind you can think of times when America was attacked. One is December 7th, that’s Pearl Harbor day. The other is September 11th, and that’s the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August the 1st, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.
Republican Mike Kelly thinks covering birth control is just as bad as 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. (via stfuconservatives)


i dont say “no” to drugs

i say “no thank you” because i wasnt raised in a fucking barn like some of you hoodlums 



This is a Sarah Robles appreciation post:

because dickwad Nike and Ralph Lauren can’t be fucked to consider strong, athletic women over 130 lbs.

because her proud mama didn’t get an Olympic jacket.

because despite being the highest ranked weight lifter in the USA, she had hell finding a sponser because she doesn’t look like “tinkerbelle”.

because the Olympics is about athletic ability.

This is also a “fuck you” to fat shamers who would look at her without knowing anything about her and label her “unhealthy”.

Fuck yeah, good manners!
My name is Rex and you know what's an awesome idea? Not being an asshole! So let's settle down, strap in, and learn how to be decent fucking people who know how to mind their fucking manners.